Do I do wrong?

A friend of mine told me this story this morning. He told me that he had this bad relationship with his exes. He told me how much his friend used to have great time together with his exes, but when his friends broke up with his exes, he(his friend) didn’t have it smoothly. So now, every time he meets his exes, he would turn away and avoid them.

Personally, I don’t wanna know their problem since I don’t know exactly who they are. However, may be I can learn something from this. So, I said, why did he avoid his exes? My friend didn’t answer it right away, but instead he asked me a question. He said, what would I do if after all this time his friend actually never stop thinking of his exes, at least one particular person? Then, I thought for a while and answered I would probably tell her, the ex, how I felt about it. Then, my friend said, that’s exactly what happened to him, the friend. And apparently, the ex didn’t feel the same and thought the friend was still after her. So, now every time she meets him, both of them would look the other way and avoid each other.

Should it be that serious? Well, I could not blame anyone here in this case. They have any right to do so. After all, it’s their lives. Then I started to think that may be, just may be, they need a third prty to clear the misunderstanding between them. And whomever the 3rd party is, he/she should be neutral and unbiased. And may be the 3 party can help yhem by giving insight to the disputing party of what they could do to end the dispute. Well, I thought I was quite lucky, I didn’t have problem with my exes. Other wise, I might have the same problem with the friend, and I knew it wouldn’t be nice.

Filed under: World around us

Pemimpin Idealku

Suatu hari aku ketemu seorang bapak tua di sebuah bis menuju arah pulang. Dia mulai cerita pengalamannya dulu ketika dia masih muda dan bekerja pada sebuah perusahaan besar di Bandung. Dia bercerita tentang seorang Supervisor di mana dia bekerja dulu. Dia bilang, atasannya itu sangatlah bijak dan santun terhadap anak buahnya. Walaupun dia, si atasan, itu punya kuasa terhadap anak buahnya, dia tidak pernah semena-mena terhadap mereka. Dan yang lebih hebat lagi, beliau sangat aspiratif. Dia mau mendengar usulan dan kritikan dari anak buahnya, walau kadang cara dan isi kritikan tidak selamanya baik atau dengan tata cara yang semestinya. Lalu aku teringat dengan semua atasan-atasan ku selama ini. Sepertinya, aku pernah dapat yang seperti ini...atau belum ya..?

Bapak tua itu melanjutkan, Atasan bapak itu senantiasa menjaga komunikasi dengan anak buahnya. Dia selalu menyempatkan untuk sekedar menanyakan kabar bawahannya, atau sekedar becanda. Tapi ketika ada masalah, beliau tidak pernah kehilangan kesabarannya. Beliau mau memasang badan demi anak buahnya yang diperlakukan tidak adil oleh perusahaan. Malah tidak jarang, dalam memutuskan suatu kebijakan, beliau selalu memikirkan baik buruknya untuk bawahannya. Beliau tidak segan untuk berkata jujur bila ada masalah yang dihadapi oleh perusahaan sehingga berimbas pada karyawan-karyawan perusahaan tersebut. Beliau juga berani mengakui kesalahan bila memang beliau berbuat salah.

Pada suatu ketika, be,iau diminta merekomendasikan beberapa karyawan untuk dipromosikan. Maka beliau pun meminta pendapat anak buahnya dengan sungguh-sungguh. Tanpa topeng manis atau sekedar basa basi saja. Ketika beliau meminta pendapat, beliau tidak hanya mendengar, tetapi lebih lanjut lagi mempertimbangkan usulan tersebut baik-baik. Sehingga beliau dapat mebuat keputusan yang benar-benar terbaik, bukan terbaik versi dia saja. Lalu aku coba bandingkan dengan pengalamanku selama ini, sepertinya aku belum ketemu yang seperti ini. Biasanya, sebagian atasanku hanya meminta pendapat anak buah sebagai formalitas biasa-tidak lebih sebagai lipstik dan kosmetik luar saja karena toh, ujung-ujungnya pendapat dia pribadi yang dipakai. Ibarat temanku bilang, dalam main kartu, si bos sudah pegang semua kartu As. Jadi jika ada yang berani usul yang tidak sepadan dengan dia, tinggal kartu As yang perlu ditunjuk, semua tentu kalah. edih juga bila aku teringat hal macam itu.
Akhirnya beliau memilih tiga orang yang memang dianggap terbaik, dan ini disetujui oleh rekan-rekan si bawahan yang ditunjuk. Luar biasa memang beliau ini.

Dilain kesempatan, ada suatu ketika dimana ada anak buahnya berbuat kesalahan yang lumayan fatal sehingga hal tersebut mempengaruhi karyawan yang lain. Beliau langsung turun tangan dan mengambil tindakan yang tegas terhadap kesalahan tersebut, sehingga stabilitas emosi karyawan yang lain pun reda.

Aku jadi berpikir, kapan ya aku dapat bos seperti beliau ini? Pasti suasana kerja bisa lebih kondusif jika situasinya seperti itu. Kapan ya? Atau jika aku nanti jadi pemimpin, mampukah aku berbuat demikian? Semoga Tuhan mau mendengar doaku ini. Dan karena aku belum jadi pemimpin, aku harap pemimpin-pemimpin yang lain bisa lebih arif dan bijaksana lagi dibanding beliau yang aku ceritakan ini. Amin...

Menanti Miyabi

Ketika mendengar nama Miyabi, apa yang terpikir oleh ku adalah seorang wanita jepang yang sering tampil di film-film "itu" kan? Anda pun saya yakin akan berpikiran sama, ya minimal kearah sana lah. Tapi yang bikin saya agak mengkerutkan dahi adalah Miyabi akan datang ke Indonesia untuk membuat film, dengan judul yang mirip-mirip film ecek-ecek; "Menculik Miyabi". gat lah ....
Banyak pro dan kontra soal kedatangan salah satu makhluk tuhan paling seksi sekolong langit itu. Ada yang berkata, hendaknya kita tidaklah berburuk sangka dulu tentang kedatangan Sang Miyabi. Sementara lainnya malah menghujat habis-habisan, saking tidak sukanya, bahkan salah seorang anggota lembaga Muslimterbesar di Indonesia malah menyatakan, dengan nada perang, mengecam habis kedatangan sang Miyabi. Apa sih yang membuat Miyabi begitu santer dibicarakan? Kalo mau jujur, Maria Ozawa alias Miyabi ini hanyalahseorang wanita biasa, walaupun dengan banyak kelebihan fisik tentunya. Selain itu, biasa saja.

Bagi yang mengecam dan tidak suka, (sebagian besar adalah perempuan) pastinya menakutkan profesi si Miyabi ini akan mempengaruhi stabilitas negara kita. Kebanyakan takut, jika Miyabi akan membawa dampak negatif karena profesi dia yang seorang bintang film porno, yang katanya sangatlah....wah.... Mereka takut, Miyabi akan menyebar virus pornografi dan pornoaksi. Mungkin kah? Bukankah sebelum Miyabi datang, virus itu sudah menyebar. Bahkan, bagi yang tadinya tidak tahu, rekan sekerja atau tetangga kita malah orang yang memberitahu kita tentang hal itu pertama kali? Bahkan, tidak diberi pun, sebagian dari kita malah mencarinya sendiri-entah ke lapak cd atau malah browsing diinternet yang tersedia gratis. Tinggal ketik namanya di google, maka berderet entry dengan nama itu pun bermunculan. Lalu apa yang mesti ditakutkan? Ketakutan itu sudah ada sedari lama.

Bagi yang mendukung, jelas ini merupakan angin surga bagi mereka. Mereka bisa melihat Miyabi tanpa sembunyi-sembunyi lagi. Terang-terangan dan blak-blakan. Yang diuntungkan disini tentu tidak hanya satu-dua orang saja. Pasti banyak pihak, terutama tentunya produser dan kru flimnya...serta kita yang menonton. Entah diamembuat film yang berkualitas atau malah sebaliknya, yang jelas saya tidak terpikirkan adanya film yang layak dilombakan jika judulnya saja "Menculik Miyabi". Nama Miyabi itu sendiri sudah punya brand image yang tertentu, tak usahlah saya sampaikan disini. Kira-kira anda sendiri sudah membayangkan apa yang akan anda saksikan dengan judul seperti itu.

Lalu, apa sih yang sebaiknya kita lakukan? Jika anda salah seorang yang keberatan, maka yang sebaiknya anda lakukan adalah blok anak dan saudaraanda dari melihat dan mengetahui tentang adanya si Miyabi ini. Usahakan mereka tidak mengetahui. Tindakan pencegahan sepertinya lebih cocok dari pada anda bertindak brutal dan anarkis. Tidakperlulah berdemo didepan publik, karena terus terang anda tidak akan menang, dan paling parah...tidak ada yang perduli jika anda protes.Nah bagi yang mendukung, itu semua adalah hak anda. Mat-mata anda, jikalau pun ada yang dirugikan, ya itu juga urusan anda. Anda rugi, itu urusan anda juga. Tapi boleh saya sarankan, jangan terlalu bersemangat jika membicarakan hal tersebut. Orang mungkin akan mengecap anda yang tidak-tidak, atau malah berpikir anda pada dasarnya adalah "omes" alias otak mesum. Walaupun iya, anda tentu tidak mau disebut demikian kan?

Reuni nih...

Ada satu masa di kala aku merasa bosan dan ingin cepat melalui masa itu. Ingin rasanya aku lompati saat-saat itu karena sesuatu hal yang tidak aku sukai. Ada kalanya aku benci dengan apa yang sedang terjadi dengan aku karena hal tersebut tidak sesuai dengan apa yang aku ingin kan. Dan aku juga yakin ini tidak hanya terjadi pada diriku sendiri. Kamu dan semua orang di dunia ini juga pasti pernah mengalaminya. Tapi benarkah kita harusnya mensikapi hal-hal tersebut demikian? Sekarang di kala aku sedang sendiri, terpaku pada suatu masa, aku kadang berpikir seandainya... Seandainya begini, seandainya begitu... Tapi seandainya tidak akan mungkin terjadi, karena tidak satupun dari kita bisa memutar balik waktu.

     Hari ini aku menghadiri acara reuni yang diadakan oleh teman-teman seangkatan sewaktu SMA dulu. Ada beberapa wajah yang kukenal, sementara lainya mungkin sekelebat pernah aku ingat, tapi aku sendiri ragu apa aku pernah mengenal mereka. Ada banyak rasa yang timbul saat aku perhatikan keberadaan mereka. Ada keberhasilan yang diperlihatkan, tapi ada pula keterpurukan yang sekelebat tampak. Ada sedikit rasa cemburu akan keberhasilan mereka, tapi dalam sekejap sirna dengan rasa bangga akan apa yang mereka perlihatkan pada yang lain. Aku tak melihat rasa kesombongan atsa semua pencapaian yang mereka raih. Secara fisik, tentu mereka juga banyak berubah. Ada yang bertambah gemuk, ada yang malah tambah ramping dan makin menarik. Sementara lainya, lebih banyak pada pengurangan penampilan. Rambut yang dulu hitam lebat, kini ada yang mulai menipis dan berganti uban. Yang dulu begitu menawan karena masa mudanya, kini berganti menjadi lebih 'dewasa' dengan tambahan kerut dan lebarnya permukaan kening. NAmun, diluar itu semua, mereka masih orang yang samakita kenal... dulu. Perubahan fisik memang terjadi. Tapi tak tampak olehku penyesalan akan apa yang telah terjadi.

     Setelah tujuh belas tahun lamanya kami tak bertemu, kami punya satu topik yang sama. Masa lalu yang menyenangkan. Dulu kita begitu ingin cepat melewatkan masa-masa yang menyebalkan itu. Tapi sekarang, ada rasa kita yang rindu akan masa-masa 'menyebalkan' itu. Dari masa lalu, topiknya beralih ke tinggal di mana sekarang? Kerja apa? Sudah punya anak berapa? Pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang sangat lazim ditanyakan, tapi punya jawaban yang beragam bagi setiap orang. Ada yang bereaksi senang, ada yang bereaksi seadanya, dan tidak sedikit bereaksi tidak peduli. Tapi yang aku perhatikan hanya apa yang mereka sampaikan. Aku sama sekali dengan cara mereka menyampaikan, karena itu tidak penting bagiku. Hari ini aku hanya ingin melihat kebahagiaan. Hari ini aku hanya ingin melihat tawa. Dan itu semua aku dapat hari ini. Kami sudah tidak punya waktu membahas penderitaan. Biarlah penderitaan yang pernah kami alami sebelum ini kami pendam sendiri. Tak guna bagi kami berbagi penderitaan. Masa 17 tahun terlalu banyak yang dialami, dan hari ini kami hanya punya beberapa jam saja. Jadi buat apa kami habiskan untuk menyesali diri. Aku sangt setuju dengan hal ini. Reuni memang saatnya untuk berbagi, berbahagia, bersuka-cita. Bukan saatnya meratapi diri dan bermuram. Selamat bereuni. Berbagi kisah gembira.

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It's time for Change!

If there is absolute in this world, it must be the changes. Anything in this world has to change somehow. People around us also change. The changes can be for the better or can also be for the worse. For me this "Lebaran day"is the start for my official changes in many ways. For the past years I have been experiencing some emotional upheavals that in a way force me to change. The changes that I had undergone were not always smooth. Some even involved of having broken-heart, which didn't mean in romantic ways. Some involved in having changing of my view to life. But all those things in many ways help me understand something, at least that what Ithink it is. They made me realize my place in life. I may not be the perfect gentleman for those women who know me, or the perfect employee for my superiors or those above me in position, or the perfect coworkers in my work place. I need this change. And I change not for the sake of other thing than myself.

     Last night, after watching an interview with Mario Teguh, I realize that I've been not fair to mysefl. I've treated myslf wrongly. The only one to blame for my failure is me alone. Not anyone else. Look what have I done to myself, I let myself down. I made myself worth less than what I was supposed to. I didn't treat myself correctly. What I did was I made myself looked bad in front of others. I didn't present myself to the maximum I could. I was busy blaming others for my failures. Well, those things won't happen again. It's time for me to change everything. Starting by making myself presented well. I need to value myself higher than before. It means I have to treat myself more dignified. Talk better and react to situations better. Be more patients in facing obstacles. It may not be easy and smooth, but I'm going to try to achieve those. 

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Makan Apa ya enaknya?

Beberapa hari setelah lebaran biasanya adalah saat-saat yang membingungkan buat kita. Soalnya setelah terbiasa makan makanan enak pas hari lebaran, stok makanan sudah mulai berkurang. Ibu-ibu yang mau masak juga bingung karena ga tau mo masak apa yang mudah dan enak buat  keluarganya. Masalah lain adalah lidah anggota keluarga ynag masih belum menentu akibat terlalu banyak makan makanan yang enak setelah atau pas hari lebarannya.

     Jadi masak makanan apa ya enaknya? Ga usah bingung bray, bawa aja uang yang lumayan cukup, pergi ddeh ke warung makan atau resto cepat saji terdekat. Bray bisa pilih menu apa yang sekiranya lagi diminati saat itu. Tapi kalo pergi ke fast food aja masih bingung, aku ada solusi yang lumayan simpel. Coba liat di meja makan ada sisa makanan apa. Coba bikin kombinasi yang tepat dengan makanan itu. Masih bingung juga? Beli aja mie rebus sesuai selera, ikuti instruksi masaknya, jangan lupa masuka sayuran secukupnya. Masih bingung juga? Mungkin ini adalah saat yang tepat buat kita untuk puasa lagi. Setelh dua hari memuaskan diri dengtan makanan yang lezat nan nikmat, mungkin inilah saatnya buat kita untuk mempuasakan dan membiasakan kembali pola makan kita yang sudah mulai semraut. Kita hentikan sejenak asupan lemak serta kolestrol jahat kedalam sistem kita. Kita istirahatkan kembali pencernaan kita dengan mengkonsumsi makanan yang secukupnya. Istilah kedokterannya mungkin adalah detoksifikasi.  Saatnya kita keluarkan racun-racun yang ada dalam tubuh kita agar kita menjadi lebih sehat.

    Sejatinya, saat kita puasa(dalam arti yang sebaik-baiknya puasa) tubuh kita mengalami perlambatan metabolisme dan pembakaran yang lebih. Saat kita puasa, tubuh kita membakar lebih banyak lemak tubuh yang berlebih sehingga kita biasanya merasa lebih 'gerah' atau kepanasan dibanding hari biasa. Kenaikan suhu ini juga diikuti dengan peningkatan kadar/ jumlah sel darah putih yang berfungsi untuk meningkatkan daya tahan tubuh terhadap penyakit. Jikalau kita mengalami skit saat kita berpuasa itu karena asupan makanan atau nutrisi kita terganggu. Kita cenderung makan makanan tertentu lebih banyak dibanding makanan lainnya yang dibutuhkan tubuh, sehingga badan kita mengalami ketidakseimbangan yang berakibat badan kita rentan terhadap penyakit tertentu. Kembali lagi ke topik semula, badan yang mengalami detoksifikasi akan meningkat kembali metabolismenya ketika kadar gula kembali normal. Ibarat mesin, setelah 'tune-up' badan kita pun membutuhkan waktu untuk kembali berfungsi normal kembali. Jadi seharusnya kita pun harus sedikit menyesuaikan asupan makanan kita pasca puasa. Mulai dengan memberi asupan yang seimbang dan sehat. Perbanyak asupan serat dan cairan. Hindarkan tubuh kita dari mengkonsumsi soda yang berlebih. Insya Allah, dengan cara tersebut kita bisa memperoleh hikmah dan manfaat puasa yang optimal. Selamat puasa kembali dan selamat mencoba. ^_^

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Hari Kemenangan

         Takbir berkumandang bersahut-sahutan di sepanjang pagi ini. Orang berduyun-duyun pergi ke tanah lapang atau masjid-masjid besar untuk melaksanakan shalat Ied berjamaah. Beberapa puluh menit kemudian, mereka pun berhamburan keluar, saling bersalaman dan bermaafan ketika mereka berpapasan dengan mereka. Ada kesamaan di wajah mereka. Mereka begitu ceria dan bahagia. Mereka menyambut hari kemenangan dengan penuh suka cita. Tapi, setelah itu apa?

         Apa sih sebenarnya hari kemenangan itu? Cukupkah hanya dengan bergembira menyambut Iedul Fitri? Atau dengan mengenakan pakaian baru dan hidangan-hidangan yang lezat di meja makan kita? Mempersilahkan tamu-tamu yang berkunjung untuk menikmati sajian yang telah kita siapkan semata-mata untuk hari yangspesial ini? Tampaknya tak banyak orang yang begitu peduli apakah kita bisa benar-benar mendapatkan kemulian di hari kemenangan ini. Hampir semuanya menjadi kabur. Apakah inti hari kemenangan kita hari ini? Tidak ada yang tahu secara persis. Tetapi jika kita mau sedikit saja melihat kebelakang, tentang apa yang telah kita lakukan selama 29-30 hari kebelakang, ada sesuatu yang seharusnya bisa kita pelajari. Di awal-awal bulan puasa, kita telah menyambut puasa dengan begitu meriah. Saking meriahnya sehingga kita tidak sadar telah mengeluarkan banyak enerji dan uang yang seharusnya tidak perlu. Kita mendadak menjadi manusia pemboros, hanya karena ingin memuaskan diri kita ketika berbuka. Apakah itu tujuan kita berpuasa? Sepertinya bukan. Bukankah kita dijarkan berpuasa agar kita bisa merasakan apa yang saudara kita rasakan kala mereka tak mampu. Apa yang telah kita lakukan malah sebaliknya. Kita malah berusaha berfoya-foya dengan apa yang kita miliki. Kita seharusnya menahan nafsu kita, tidak hanya nafsu makan dan minum serta nafsu sexual saja selain nafsu menahan amarah tentunya, tetapi kita tidak mampu menahan nafsu untuk memuaskan diri kita dengan apa yang kita lewatkan disiang hari. Jadi apalah guna kita berpuasa jika kita masih saja menempatkan diri kita di atas orang-orang yang seharusnya kita ambil pelajaran daripadanya. Seharusnya kita malu. Malu karena kita tidak mencapai apa yang menjadi target Al Quran isyaratkan kepada kita ketika kita diwajibkan untuk berpuasa.

         Namun yang sudah terjadi, sudahlah. Kita masih punya masa depan di depan kita. Kita masih sempat untuk memperbaiki diri kita. Mudah-mudahan kita masih diberi umur yang panjang untuk melakukan apa yang seharusnya kita lakukan tahun ini, yang seharusnya kita pelajari dari ibadah kita tahun ini. Mari kita menyambut Iedul Fitri ini dengan visi yang lebih baik lagi. Instropeksi apa yang telah kita lakukan. Mari kita lakukan apa yang terbaik dari apa yang bisa kita lakukan. Semoga Allah SWT berkenan mengabulkan doa-doa dan harapan kita, Amieeeennn...

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Hari Kemenangan

         Takbir berkumandang bersahut-sahutan di sepanjang pagi ini. Orang berduyun-duyun pergi ke tanah lapang atau masjid-masjid besar untuk melaksanakan shalat Ied berjamaah. Beberapa puluh menit kemudian, mereka pun berhamburan keluar, saling bersalaman dan bermaafan ketika mereka berpapasan dengan mereka. Ada kesamaan di wajah mereka. Mereka begitu ceria dan bahagia. Mereka menyambut hari kemenangan dengan penuh suka cita. Tapi, setelah itu apa?

         Apa sih sebenarnya hari kemenangan itu? Cukupkah hanya dengan bergembira menyambut Iedul Fitri? Atau dengan mengenakan pakaian baru dan hidangan-hidangan yang lezat di meja makan kita? Mempersilahkan tamu-tamu yang berkunjung untuk menikmati sajian yang telah kita siapkan semata-mata untuk hari yangspesial ini? Tampaknya tak banyak orang yang begitu peduli apakah kita bisa benar-benar mendapatkan kemulian di hari kemenangan ini. Hampir semuanya menjadi kabur. Apakah inti hari kemenangan kita hari ini? Tidak ada yang tahu secara persis. Tetapi jika kita mau sedikit saja melihat kebelakang, tentang apa yang telah kita lakukan selama 29-30 hari kebelakang, ada sesuatu yang seharusnya bisa kita pelajari. Di awal-awal bulan puasa, kita telah menyambut puasa dengan begitu meriah. Saking meriahnya sehingga kita tidak sadar telah mengeluarkan banyak enerji dan uang yang seharusnya tidak perlu. Kita mendadak menjadi manusia pemboros, hanya karena ingin memuaskan diri kita ketika berbuka. Apakah itu tujuan kita berpuasa? Sepertinya bukan. Bukankah kita dijarkan berpuasa agar kita bisa merasakan apa yang saudara kita rasakan kala mereka tak mampu. Apa yang telah kita lakukan malah sebaliknya. Kita malah berusaha berfoya-foya dengan apa yang kita miliki. Kita seharusnya menahan nafsu kita, tidak hanya nafsu makan dan minum serta nafsu sexual saja selain nafsu menahan amarah tentunya, tetapi kita tidak mampu menahan nafsu untuk memuaskan diri kita dengan apa yang kita lewatkan disiang hari. Jadi apalah guna kita berpuasa jika kita masih saja menempatkan diri kita di atas orang-orang yang seharusnya kita ambil pelajaran daripadanya. Seharusnya kita malu. Malu karena kita tidak mencapai apa yang menjadi target Al Quran isyaratkan kepada kita ketika kita diwajibkan untuk berpuasa.

         Namun yang sudah terjadi, sudahlah. Kita masih punya masa depan di depan kita. Kita masih sempat untuk memperbaiki diri kita. Mudah-mudahan kita masih diberi umur yang panjang untuk melakukan apa yang seharusnya kita lakukan tahun ini, yang seharusnya kita pelajari dari ibadah kita tahun ini. Mari kita menyambut Iedul Fitri ini dengan visi yang lebih baik lagi. Instropeksi apa yang telah kita lakukan. Mari kita lakukan apa yang terbaik dari apa yang bisa kita lakukan. Semoga Allah SWT berkenan mengabulkan doa-doa dan harapan kita, Amieeeennn...

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Silent Night

It's one of those nights
when I got that memories again.
Why do you have to linger in my head,
after so long..long time.

I need to move on,
That's what I always tell myself.
But, how can I forget you...
If you took a piece of my heart with you.

Tonight,
I'll try to get rid of your face in my mind.
I don't wanna sound desperate anymore...
I have enough...
I don't want you to block my way again.

It's about time for me...
to find a new destination.
I have to give myself a chance
to know other hearts, though It may not be as gentle as yours.

Good bye, my memories.
Hope, you'll never knock on my door again.

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My Poem : A Prayer

Dear Lord,
I’m in despair.
They don’t understand me.
They turn their face when I ask question.
They keep silent when I’m lost
What shall I do, O’ Lord?
Shall I stop living?
Or shall I just leave this world?
Is there any other option?
I long for comfort
I long for one’s care upon me
I long for a warm hug when I cry.
Shall my living have meaning, show me what it is. (Sumedang, Jan 2, 2009)

My Poem : Lucky

Lucky is...
Looking at you secretly when you don't notice
Unbelievably stunning when you smile at me.
Can you smile at me even just once? Coz it
Keeps me spirited and inspired for the whole day while wishing
You and I be together someday... (July 25, 2008)

My Poem : THE WAITING

Thousands of lonely nights has passed
But I'm still here.
Waiting for glorious morning to shine with its dawn.
How come it feels so long for dawn to arrive?
Thousands of miles I've walked
But I'm still standing
Going where you are, somewhere out there.
Wonder, if you would do the same for me.
My time is running out.
My feet aren't able to walk further.
Wonder, Should I go on...
My fire has gone dimmer...
When I've lost my faith for you
Though I long to see you coming for me...

My Poem: New Day

Hello my future, Goodbye my past
Hello new hope, Goodbye mourning moment
Hello brand new day, Goodbye sorrow night
For I have changed into new shining knight.

My Poem: Poem of Heart

I know I can't move the mountains to you,
But I can offer you my loyalty.
I know I can't protect you all the time,
But I can give you my sanctuary to keep you safe.
I know I can't speak sweetly all the time,
But all I said is sincere.

Let the moon and the stars be my witness
For I can't turn my heart anywhere other than to you.
As I can't survive the world, ©without you in my heart,
O' Lord the Almighty
But, May I spare a corner of my earthly heart
For the Lady who is willing to read this?©For she has stolen that piece from my heart without her notice.

My Poem: A Solemn Wish

Tomorrow we will have a brand new day,
After passing 364 full of days.
A new sun shall arise in the east this dawn,
Bringing news of happiness and joy.
But before it is really here,
Let's bent our head for a moment.
Aren't we forgetting something?
Little reminder for your mind and teaser for your soul.
What have we done all along? Have we done well?
Have we been helpful and useful for others?
Have we changed something to be better?
Or, we've been nothing but pure spectator of our lives?
Shall we see betterment in this coming year?
Do we still have hope for brighter days?
Yes...
If we could be true to ourselves.
Yes...
Only if we would try our best to make it come true.

The Confession

It was midnight. I couldn’t sleep. I still couldn’t believe what I had said this afternoon. I finally did it though I kind of regretted it.

There was this girl in my class. Her name is Fina. Fina was a very popular girl in my school. Every boy in my school wanted to be her boyfriend because not only she is beautiful but also bright. Perhaps I was also one of them. But those were not the reason I liked her. To me, she was the only one who would speak to me and be my friend without ulterior motives. Not to brag myself, I was a bright student with a straight A in my report. Others would only come to me to ask for my help with homework or their assignment, especially when it came to math and chemistry. It’s not like I didn’t like to help them, but whenever they didn’t need me I was all alone because of my family background. And the only one who had ever talked to me was Fina. She would be my friend despite the fact that I came from a regular family, unlike the rest.

Fina and I had been friends since we were in junior high. We started our friendship when we were in the second grade. I remembered she stood up for me when some bullies in my school made fun of my thick eye glasses. They made me chased my glasses while they were passing the glasses to each other. I never dreamed that someone, especially a girl, would stand up for me. Ever since that day, we became friends. I felt comfortable around her and she always treated me nicely.

When we graduated from junior high, we decided to go to the same high school. Personally, I was glad that she asked me to go to the same school because I would feel lonely whenever she was not around. So, when she asked me, I said yes right away.

It seemed our friendship had led me to certain changes. I began to feel differently about Fina. I never knew this would happen. I always told myself that Fina was my friend and we would always be friends. I told myself that I couldn’t have any other feeling towards her. But I couldn’t lie to myself. I did feel differently towards her.
I didn’t know whether she realized my feeling to her. All I could do was to hide it no matter how. I doubted if she could accept me more than just being her friend. So far, she didn’t seem to notice what I was worried about.

As time passed by we were getting busier and busier. As the final exams approached, we rarely met each other. Fina was busy with her courses and additional lessons from her private teachers to prepare her for the exams. I was also busy preparing the exams by myself as my parents could not afford to send me to courses or additional lessons. I had to struggle by myself. I tried my best not to disappoint my parents. I wanted to get the best result. In that way, I hoped my parents would send me to college to continue my study or at least I could apply for some scholarship in one of the universities in town. In spite of my preparation for the exams, I always thought about Fina. I wondered if she was doing just fine. I just wished I could be of any help.

A week before the final exams, I met Fina. She looked very tired. We said hi to each other. I asked her how she’d been. She said she had done her best to prepare everything and felt confident about the exams. I was glad to hear that. We also talked about each other’s plan after the graduation. She told me that her parents wanted her to go to Bandung to study medicine, just like her father. I wasn’t surprised at all. She always wanted to be a doctor. She always told me how much she admired her father and how she could help people when they were sick. I could see her looked radiantly when she told me those things. But when she asked what my plan was, I couldn’t answer it. I didn’t know what to say. Then, I lied to her that I would also go to Bandung to study architecture, the study I loved so much. She smiled to show that she was glad to know it. It felt nice to be able to talk to Fina again.

And four days ago, I heard news that really surprised me. A friend told me that Anton, the school jock, would go to the prom with Fina. My friend also said that she already said yes. It really broke my heart. Everybody knew that Anton was a womanizer and there were many girls in school had become his ‘victims’. I really hated to imagine Fina went out on a date with him and then she was hurt. I thought I had to do something about this. I would not let anything to hurt her. I needed to tell her who Anton truly was. But I was afraid that she would be angry at me and thought that I was just jealous of him.

The next day I tried to gather my might and courage and looked for her to warn her about Anton. I asked her to meet me outside after school. It was 1.30. The final bell rang. I waited for Fina in front of the school. I had rehearsed my line the night before, so when the time came I would be ready. We finally met. I told her what I planned to say. I told her about Anton and what people said about him. At first, she didn’t say anything. Bu then she asked me, “What do you want me to say?” I froze for a while. Then I said, “Don’t go with him, please…” but later she asked me back, “Who should I go with then?” I didn’t say anything. I wanted to say, why wouldn’t she go with me, but I didn’t have the nerve to say it. And she left.

The following day, two days before the prom, I went to her house to convince her not to go to the prom with him. I stood in front of her door. This time I had to really convince her. I took a deep breath and readied myself. She opened the door and looked rather surprised. I began with my explanation about Anton and all his ex-girlfriends, and how he treated her exes. And one thing led to another, out of frustration I said the three words that I tried not to say to her for a long time. She was so surprised to hear it, but I didn’t have any chance to she how she reacted. I ran away. It was midnight. I couldn’t sleep. I still couldn’t believe what I had said this afternoon. I finally did it though I kind of regretted it. I just wished I died and disappeared.

The next morning, my mom got a phone call from Fina. She told me that she wanted to see me. I knew it. She had to be very angry at me. I was doomed. I knew I had to face her. So reluctantly I went to her house again. About a block from her place I could see she was waiting for me. I rushed my steps. When I was finally in front of her, she punched me on my shoulder, didn’t look angry at all. She said, “What took you so long to realize it?”

The Confession

It was midnight. I couldn’t sleep. I still couldn’t believe what I had said this afternoon. I finally did it though I kind of regretted it.

There was this girl in my class. Her name is Fina. Fina was a very popular girl in my school. Every boy in my school wanted to be her boyfriend because not only she is beautiful but also bright. Perhaps I was also one of them. But those were not the reason I liked her. To me, she was the only one who would speak to me and be my friend without ulterior motives. Not to brag myself, I was a bright student with a straight A in my report. Others would only come to me to ask for my help with homework or their assignment, especially when it came to math and chemistry. It’s not like I didn’t like to help them, but whenever they didn’t need me I was all alone because of my family background. And the only one who had ever talked to me was Fina. She would be my friend despite the fact that I came from a regular family, unlike the rest.

Fina and I had been friends since we were in junior high. We started our friendship when we were in the second grade. I remembered she stood up for me when some bullies in my school made fun of my thick eye glasses. They made me chased my glasses while they were passing the glasses to each other. I never dreamed that someone, especially a girl, would stand up for me. Ever since that day, we became friends. I felt comfortable around her and she always treated me nicely.

When we graduated from junior high, we decided to go to the same high school. Personally, I was glad that she asked me to go to the same school because I would feel lonely whenever she was not around. So, when she asked me, I said yes right away.

It seemed our friendship had led me to certain changes. I began to feel differently about Fina. I never knew this would happen. I always told myself that Fina was my friend and we would always be friends. I told myself that I couldn’t have any other feeling towards her. But I couldn’t lie to myself. I did feel differently towards her.
I didn’t know whether she realized my feeling to her. All I could do was to hide it no matter how. I doubted if she could accept me more than just being her friend. So far, she didn’t seem to notice what I was worried about.

As time passed by we were getting busier and busier. As the final exams approached, we rarely met each other. Fina was busy with her courses and additional lessons from her private teachers to prepare her for the exams. I was also busy preparing the exams by myself as my parents could not afford to send me to courses or additional lessons. I had to struggle by myself. I tried my best not to disappoint my parents. I wanted to get the best result. In that way, I hoped my parents would send me to college to continue my study or at least I could apply for some scholarship in one of the universities in town. In spite of my preparation for the exams, I always thought about Fina. I wondered if she was doing just fine. I just wished I could be of any help.

A week before the final exams, I met Fina. She looked very tired. We said hi to each other. I asked her how she’d been. She said she had done her best to prepare everything and felt confident about the exams. I was glad to hear that. We also talked about each other’s plan after the graduation. She told me that her parents wanted her to go to Bandung to study medicine, just like her father. I wasn’t surprised at all. She always wanted to be a doctor. She always told me how much she admired her father and how she could help people when they were sick. I could see her looked radiantly when she told me those things. But when she asked what my plan was, I couldn’t answer it. I didn’t know what to say. Then, I lied to her that I would also go to Bandung to study architecture, the study I loved so much. She smiled to show that she was glad to know it. It felt nice to be able to talk to Fina again.

And four days ago, I heard news that really surprised me. A friend told me that Anton, the school jock, would go to the prom with Fina. My friend also said that she already said yes. It really broke my heart. Everybody knew that Anton was a womanizer and there were many girls in school had become his ‘victims’. I really hated to imagine Fina went out on a date with him and then she was hurt. I thought I had to do something about this. I would not let anything to hurt her. I needed to tell her who Anton truly was. But I was afraid that she would be angry at me and thought that I was just jealous of him.

The next day I tried to gather my might and courage and looked for her to warn her about Anton. I asked her to meet me outside after school. It was 1.30. The final bell rang. I waited for Fina in front of the school. I had rehearsed my line the night before, so when the time came I would be ready. We finally met. I told her what I planned to say. I told her about Anton and what people said about him. At first, she didn’t say anything. Bu then she asked me, “What do you want me to say?” I froze for a while. Then I said, “Don’t go with him, please…” but later she asked me back, “Who should I go with then?” I didn’t say anything. I wanted to say, why wouldn’t she go with me, but I didn’t have the nerve to say it. And she left.

The following day, two days before the prom, I went to her house to convince her not to go to the prom with him. I stood in front of her door. This time I had to really convince her. I took a deep breath and readied myself. She opened the door and looked rather surprised. I began with my explanation about Anton and all his ex-girlfriends, and how he treated her exes. And one thing led to another, out of frustration I said the three words that I tried not to say to her for a long time. She was so surprised to hear it, but I didn’t have any chance to she how she reacted. I ran away. It was midnight. I couldn’t sleep. I still couldn’t believe what I had said this afternoon. I finally did it though I kind of regretted it. I just wished I died and disappeared.

The next morning, my mom got a phone call from Fina. She told me that she wanted to see me. I knew it. She had to be very angry at me. I was doomed. I knew I had to face her. So reluctantly I went to her house again. About a block from her place I could see she was waiting for me. I rushed my steps. When I was finally in front of her, she punched me on my shoulder, didn’t look angry at all. She said, “What took you so long to realize it?”

My Poems: Voidness

What do you call the feeling of cold?
When you were around happy faces.
What do you call the cloud in your eyes?
When you were wide awake.
What do you call the void in the corner of your heart?
When you were in the middle of your love ones.
It's just a single word, like its nature.

But yet, It explains the whole some.
Envy creeps when seeing others come in twos,
Jealousy arises when others share romantic stories,
Hate strides when others break into joyous laughter,
Solitary is his only refuge.
All drenched in the void of tenderness,
Gloomed in the absence of loving,
Deprived of all care of another.
Is it the emptiness?
Or simply it's because of the bereft of the feeling?

My Poems

Voidness

What do you call the feeling of cold?
When you were around happy faces.
What do you call the cloud in your eyes?
When you were wide awake.
What do you call the void in the corner of your heart?
When you were in the middle of your love ones.
It's just a single word, like its nature.

But yet, It explains the whole some.
Envy creeps when seeing others come in twos,
Jealousy arises when others share romantic stories,
Hate strides when others break into joyous laughter,
Solitary is his only refuge.
All drenched in the void of tenderness,
Gloomed in the absence of loving,
Deprived of all care of another.
Is it the emptiness?
Or simply it's because of the bereft of the feeling?


A Solemn Wish

Tomorrow we will have a brand new day,
After passing 364 full of days.
A new sun shall arise in the east this dawn,
Bringing news of happiness and joy.
But before it is really here,
Let's bent our head for a moment.
Aren't we forgetting something?
Little reminder for your mind and teaser for your soul.
What have we done all along? Have we done well?
Have we been helpful and useful for others?
Have we changed something to be better?
Or, we've been nothing but pure spectator of our lives?
Shall we see betterment in this coming year?
Do we still have hope for brighter days?
Yes...
If we could be true to ourselves.
Yes...
Only if we would try our best to make it come true.


Poem of Heart

I know I can't move the mountains to you,
But I can offer you my loyalty.
I know I can't protect you all the time,
But I can give you my sanctuary to keep you safe.
I know I can't speak sweetly all the time,
But all I said is sincere.

Let the moon and the stars be my witness
For I can't turn my heart anywhere other than to you.
As I can't survive the world, ©without you in my heart,
O' Lord the Almighty
But, May I spare a corner of my earthly heart
For the Lady who is willing to read this?©For she has stolen that piece from my heart without her notice.


New Day

Hello my future, Goodbye my past
Hello new hope, Goodbye mourning moment
Hello brand new day, Goodbye sorrow night
For I have changed into new shining knight.

THE WAITING

Thousands of lonely nights has passed
But I'm still here.
Waiting for glorious morning to shine with its dawn.
How come it feels so long for dawn to arrive?
Thousands of miles I've walked
But I'm still standing
Going where you are, somewhere out there.
Wonder, if you would do the same for me.
My time is running out.
My feet aren't able to walk further.
Wonder, Should I go on...
My fire has gone dimmer...
When I've lost my faith for you
Though I long to see you coming for me...

Lucky

Lucky is...
Looking at you secretly when you don't notice
Unbelievably stunning when you smile at me.
Can you smile at me even just once? Coz it
Keeps me spirited and inspired for the whole day while wishing
You and I be together someday... (July 25, 2008)

A Prayer

Dear Lord,
I’m in despair.
They don’t understand me.
They turn their face when I ask question.
They keep silent when I’m lost
What shall I do, O’ Lord?
Shall I stop living?
Or shall I just leave this world?
Is there any other option?
I long for comfort
I long for one’s care upon me
I long for a warm hug when I cry.
Shall my living have meaning, show me what it is. (Sumedang, Jan 2, 2009)

THE WEDDING

By
Roni S. Sumiarsa

I gently turned myself right. Suddenly, I heard someone breathing in my left ear. I opened my eyes slowly, still feeling a bit drowsy. I wondered who on earth sleep on my bed? Then, I gave a glance to my left. To my surprise, I saw a beautiful woman on my bed. Who is... ahh... I recognized her hair and… this smell… It smelled like jasmine. No doubt abut she had to be Lindsay. But why Lindsay would sleep on my bed? I looked around the room. This was odd. I didn’t recognize anything in this room. Everything was white and flowers were everywhere. I liked flowers but I didn’t remember wanting my bedroom decorated with flowers…where was I? I asked myself. I rubbed my head and I just realized I had to sleep with greasy pomade on my hair. I never like pomade on my hair. I tried to think harder and harder. Did I miss anything? Suddenly, it became clear to me. I must have got married yesterday. And last night must have been my first night to be husband and wife. Gosh, this was amazing. God must love me so much that He gave Lindsay to be my wife. I meant, looked at her, she was kind, drop dead beautiful, smart and beautiful. See I said ‘beautiful’ twice. She had to be the greatest and most perfect woman to marry. ‘So, Larry, Joseph and even you Frank, Kiss my bootie if I would let you all have her’. I still couldn’t believe my eyes she was there right beside me, as my wife. Thank you, Lord!
Slowly, I dragged myself closer to her. I looked at her from her head to her toes. She was there sleeping so peacefully. Even in her sleep, she looked so beautiful, like an angel. And she was my angel. Gently, I whispered to her ear. “Good morning… How’s my wife doing?” I said softly. I pecked her forehead and she slowly woke up. A smile was on her lips. “Hi, there...” she said.

I glanced at her again and still I couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought I must have been dreaming. If it’s a dream, I don’t want to wake up, Let me dream this dream forever. I wouldn’t feel this way if I remembered what I had done six months ago. It was the first time I met Lindsay. It was just like one of those days in the office when I came too early for work. I’d always be like that. I came three to four hours before my work time since I didn’t have anything to do at home. I’d prefer to come to the office and chat with my colleagues rather than stayed at home doing nothing. On that day we were expecting some new employees from the head office. They would be here helping our branch working on the project that our office just got. Basically, I couldn’t care less about these new people. They would just com and go from time to time. Some of my friends had warned me that there would be a female one among those new people though. But I never knew that the female one would be a heart-breaking-and-heart-pounding woman that every man in the office would talk about.

The pick-up car had just arrived. Three men got off the car, and that was all. No woman, all men. See I told you so, I said to myself. It was just some cheap rumour. Nothing special. Everyone who was in the welcoming “committee” finally dissolved themselves. And I went back to my cubical and faced the computer again. I tried to find something to do by randomly clicking some icons on my screen.

Suddenly, a phone in the reception desk rang. I only glanced from the corner of my eyes. It seemed something important just came up. The receptionist hurriedly called the driver saying somebody needed to be picked up. Must be a client, I said to myself. So, I was back to my computer again. Not long after that, the car arrived and the welcoming “committee” were there again to see who was coming. They greeted the ‘client’ warmly. Some men were rushing to the door way murmuring something. It’s just a client, what’s the fuss? I said to myself again. The crowd was getting noisier than before. I wondered what it was. No, it couldn’t be a client. What on earth is it? I asked. I stood up and tried to see what happened. All of a sudden, there she was walking with my boss and some staff members. The boss introduced her to me. “This is Ronald from Creative Department. He has some great ideas so far. And he’s still single”. He said. “Ron, this is Lindsay Norwich from the head office. She’s with Research and Development Department. She’s here to help us with our project for Deltacom. Please show her around”. The boss said again. And to my surprise, she smiled at me and greeted me. What a nice smile she’s got. I didn’t say anything. She saw me dumbfounded. I gasped and cleared my throat. “Err… Nice to meet you…” I greeted. “Just call me if you need anything. I’d be glad to help you.” I added. So, my boss continued to introduce her to the other staff. Something lingered in my mind-her sweet smile. ‘But why would I care about her smile’ I said to myself. ‘She’s going to be here only for a short while, nothing’s gonna happen.’ Said I again.

The next morning I came a bit late. I was overslept after watching DVD till 2 in the morning. I was kinda sleepy. I parked my mountain bike, locked it, and walked through the door to my cubical. I hung my helmet on a hook beside my computer, put my backpack and rush to the rest room to change my clothes. Then, I went to the coffee booth to make a cup of hot tea; it was my idea to start my morning. I intentionally didn’t have my breakfast in my apartment because I didn’t find it comfortable dining alone. Here at the office, at least I could have company to dine with. I took out some doughnuts from my backpack-the ones I got on the way to the office. I turned on Lizzie-my computer-and started enjoying my tea and the doughnut. ‘GOOD MORNING, Ron’ appeared on my screen. “Morning, Lizzie” I greeted, “How’s your morning?” I said again. Of course, Lizzie didn’t respond. Just as I started to have my first bite, someone tap my shoulder. Surprised, I jumped off my seat and turned around. In front of me there stood a figure of a woman. I put on my glasses, it became clear to me. It was that woman again from yesterday. “Ms. Norwich, right?” I asked. “Just call me Lindsay, ok.” She replied. “Oh, OK. So, what can I do for you?” I asked awkwardly. “Oh it’s nothing, I just wanna say hi.” She said crisply. “I thought you can show me around and see where I can start… that’s if you’re not busy, of course…” she said again. “Well, I just got here. And I even haven’t got my bite yet. May be you can ask Frank. I’m sure he won’t mind accompanying a beautiful woman like you around.” I responded rather reluctant. “Why, thank you.” She said. ”What for?” I asked. “You said I’m beautiful.” She smiled this time. “Oh… that. You’re welcome.” I replied. ‘What did I just say? Beautiful? I must have slipped it.’ I thought. ‘Did I just say she’s beautiful? No, there must be just a slip of a tongue.’ I tried to justify myself. ‘Don’t think of it, it’s nothing.’ I said to myself. And I went back to my screen and busied myself with my work.

The next couple of weeks I met her again. This time it was in the coffee booth. I was jut going to make a cup of tea after the break, and there she was stirring her coffee. She was wearing light blue blazer on top and dark long skirt with a letter L brooch on her collar. Her hair was tied with blue ribbon. She looked so mesmerizing. I tried to turn back when suddenly she called my name. “Hi, Ron…” I stopped and turned my head to her, dumbfounded I replied, “Yup …” “Aren’t you gonna make some coffee?” she asked. “Umm, yeah… but may be later. I just remember something, I need to get a copy for Mr. Lane.” I answered. ’No, you’re not’ said I. “Oh come on, it can wait. Come here, I won’t bite.” She said giggling. I walked to her and picked a cup and saucer. I poured some coffee into my cup and then some sugar and some creamer. I must have been too nervous that I filled my cup with too much creamer. She saw that and started to laugh. It made me more nervous that I drank it without realizing I hadn’t poured the water into it. She definitely laughed louder. Then she tried to hold her laughter and help me clean the creamer from my shirt. “Hey, calm down, Ron. Are you alright?” she asked. “You seem like you’re avoiding me. Is that true?” she asked again. “No, it’s not true.” I denied. I was never really good at dealing with people, especially girls. That probably explained why I only had few friends, even in the office. I had only three friends, at least, those who I thought to be my friends: Hannah, the one in the reception desk; Jane, the one in the personnel department, and Tina, one of my colleagues. Only with those three I could be open and share my view. We often had good time together. Those three are the ones I came to whenever I had problems. ”Why would I be avoiding you?” I replied. “Really? So, why did you turn around when you saw me earlier?” she asked again. Smile was on her face. I couldn’t say anything. It seemed the cat caught my tongue. Then nervously I tried to answer, “Err.. I actually wanted to… I wanted to take some file from Hannah’s desk. Yeah that’s it… I wanna take some file from her desk.” “Oh, I see…” she said but still she had a smile on her lips. “Ok then, see ya around…” she said ending the conversation.

It was 7.00 a.m. A text message awoke me. I opened it and it was an unlisted number. I put it back and tried to go back to sleep. Then, a minute later, another text message rang my cell phone. It was from this unlisted number again. ‘What the heck…who would disturb me t this hour? Don’t they have any better thing to do than to disturb me, Jeez!’ I cursed. So, I read the message. It said it was from Lindsay. Suddenly there was silent. ‘What…?? Lindsay?? How on earth she knows my number?’ I screamed to myself. ‘Wait, somebody knocked on her door. And she said she didn’t know him.’ It said. ‘This is time for emergency mode’ I said to myself. I rushed to the bathroom and wash my face and dashed to wear something I could grab. I paddled my bike to the main street, but I had to brake my bike. ‘Wait the minute, I don’t where she lives.’ I said to myself. I tried to search for my cell phone, but alas I must have left it back home. Then there was no other choice I had to go back. Quickly I dialled the number and I heard a connecting tone. Ring… ring…ring… and somebody picked up the phone. A soft woman voice was heard on the other end, “Hello, Ron…?” It was Lindsay. “Where dya live? I’m on my way to your place…” I asked. “It’s not far from the office, Ron. It’s on Cipto, third house on the right. The white one.” She replied. “Try to call the office security, ask them to come to your place just in case.” I told her and hung up the phone. I pumped my thighs harder. When I arrived two office securities were waiting in front of the gate. I nodded to them. They said, “It’s okay now. We have taken care of everything, sir.” “How’s she doing?” I asked. “She’s inside, still scared.” They replied. “Thank you, sir. “ I responded. Then, I went inside.